Night waking
Both Stephen and I have woken these last few nights between one and three am. This is not a normal wake, because we have been unable to get back to sleep in a timely manner. The waking periods have extended for longer than two hours and that’s a big chunk of our sleep time.
On Tuesday night, I decided to do a meditation during this wakeful period. I used a hypnosis to examine my binge eating. I was surprised that I was immediately taken to childhood and I saw the pattern of reward that came after I had been growled at. And the reward was always in the form of a cake or biscuit that my mother had made. I wasn’t happy as a child when around my mother, but the sweet treats provided comfort. I also saw that I wasn’t allowed to eat my dessert until I had eaten my dinner. I always seek something sweet after my dinner to this day. During my naturopathic consultation with Ashleigh last week, she asked what was setting me off with my binging and I truly didn’t know. That coupled with my clairvoyant reading the week before, where Analisa had told me I wouldn’t be able to lose weight until I had cleared up the inside, got me thinking that there was still more within that needed to be addressed. I have spent thousands of hours working on my issues but I know that there is often more that comes up for healing when one thinks they are at the bottom of the barrel.
As I was lying awake last night, again, I suddenly had an insight, and that was that perhaps I was being deliberately woken in order to do more work on myself. During those early hours of the morning, I find feelings are quite often sitting at the surface, but by day break they have sunk out of sight. I was thinking about the funeral the day before and I was thinking about how I was feeling about it. I didn’t know that many people there and most of the ones I did know had not yet arrived when I showed myself at the funeral-home entrance. However, I did see a couple of people whom I knew and moved myself in their direction, where I was pleasantly greeted. But all too soon, they disappeared inside the building, leaving me on my own outside. It was that feeling that I identified – one of being on the outside of the group. I was immediately taken to periods throughout my life, where I had felt that I didn’t quite belong. In a previous blog, I described how, at school, I was too naughty for the goody-goods and too good for the naughty girls. A few of us formed our own group who fitted into both groups, but who belonged to neither. I saw a pattern throughout my life where I had always felt that I didn’t quite belong. But what I also saw was a feeling of inferiority at these times. I viewed my younger self as blackness and I saw immediately, it was she who needed to be healed.
Every time I had felt left out as an adult, had only been triggering that younger me, the unhealed me. And I know from previous healings, that when I heal my younger self, then I won’t react in the same way again. But what I also saw, which was profound, was that there was nothing wrong with me, as I had perceived; that was just the way I was and obviously something I needed to experience in this life in order to heal it. There was nothing wrong with me for being different from the majority of people, in fact that could even be viewed as a positive. My difference, my uniqueness, was special, I am just like every person I know who has their own uniqueness. It was not a character flaw, as I had spent my whole life believing.
And so, I am grateful for these early morning wakenings, for they bring these negative feelings to the surface. By day, I feel great. It is only by night that they are visible. I know I had a significant healing last night. It will be interesting to see if my eating habits change. But in saying that, I really do look forward to having a good night’s sleep without being woken. Perhaps tonight will be the night.