Vices

Among my vices, is a penchant for playing games on my phone. My curiosity was first piqued when I bought my children a play station back in the 1990s - I clocked Super Mario too. With five children, and most of our time spent outdoors, the kids didn’t get much playing time and I, even less. However, I can’t remember now, but I must have found time when they were at school or maybe I had my turn too. I loved this little game. Then I remember enjoying playing tetris, the game with squares that had to be lined up in their colours. This was a portable game and I played that until one day, I decided it was becoming addictive and stopped it abruptly. I don’t think there were any more games for a further 15 years or so, not until I bought my first smart phone. My morning meditations went out the window, once I had this new gadget. Instead, that time would be spent reading the news websites and viewing Facebook. The games came later. Now a days I play them in the evening, while Stephen is watching his U Tube podcasts. I have one where I have to match three identical symbols, I have a game similar to scrabble, and a couple of block games. I alternate which one I play by how I am feeling that evening. And then there is five hundred, the reason for this blog this morning. We used to play this game as a family when I was a child. I didn’t teach my own children any of these games but it was one I had enjoyed and so was pleased to see it on Play Store. This is where my problem lies. I am matched with an AI partner and play with two AI opponents. So really, the game should be quite simple and I should have no qualms about how I play. But if I over bid and lose a particular hand, I feel really bad, just as bad as if I was playing with real people. If my AI partner has placed a bid, I don’t over ride it. Why? Because I feel bad if I do. I notice that the AIs do this to each other. They don’t care but I can’t dissociate my human side, even while playing with these confounded machines. If I play particularly well, I catch myself thinking that my partner must be happy with my moves. I am not as affected as I used to be, thank heavens, but I still do react. Many times, I have caught myself saying out loud ‘’buggar’’, with Stephen looking over to see what I have done. It is embarrassing when I have to say that I just played a wrong card to a machine, like my life depended on it.

I could just go crazy and out bid the silly machines every time, but I can’t seem to bring myself to do this. I guess I am scared of pissing them off. But the reality is, they are not real. They don’t care. But even after playing this game for a year or so now, not a lot has changed. My inground beliefs overrule. I try and be considerate to my partner. The AIs make mistakes too. It seems to balance, if I play a bad hand, they do too, somewhere in the next few hands. It doesn’t bother me if my partner plays badly or overrules me and loses the hand – no problem. It is just me that can’t make the mistakes.

I am sure there is a bigger lesson going on here. Something for me to learn. Why is it perfectly fine for the AI to make a mistake, but not me? It is that sense of letting another person down, I think. I have often been told that I am too hard on myself and I pick that trait up in a lot of my clients. Why is it that we believe we have to punish ourselves, but not others?

I did a lovely womb meditation this morning, about being safe inside this area. Somehow, I feel that by doing this more often, I might learn to accept my own shortcomings more readily.

Is it a silly machine that needs to point this out to me?