Turn back the clock

How many times in life do we wish we could turn back the clock. If only we hadn’t acted like that, said those words, been responsible for another’s mishap, done that thing or have that thing happen to us. If only we could go back to the way life was before. How many of us have experienced that feeling?

Yet anyone reading this is still alive, they have survived whatever their personal horror was. Challenges make us grow. Hearing those words amidst the turmoil is pointless, but looking back, one can see that it was those toughest times that shaped our futures the most; the episodes we experienced our biggest growths and lessons from.

I have come in contact with two people recently, neither of whose experiences I would have liked to have gone through. They have been major through anyone’s eyes. I know the growth they will achieve from these will be massive but it does take time to realise this and heal from whatever the trauma has been. As I have mentioned in previous blogs, I always look at things from a soul perspective. Why is it that this person needs to experience this? Why does this person need such a hard road?

A memory that comes to mind for me was when we were teenagers. A carload of us travelled from home to Mt Manganui, about a two-and-a-half journey away. I can’t remember everyone who was there that day, only the two who were in the backseat with me, my friend and her boyfriend, but I think there were three girls and two boys.

When we reached the beach, we explored the area, and spotting a high rock, we dared my friend’s boyfriend to jump off it. We egged him along, putting so much pressure on him, that he eventually made the jump. It was with horror that we saw him hit the rocks at the bottom. My life froze at that point. I felt incredibly responsible for my part in his jump. Fortunately, he only suffered a broken arm. That whole thing could have been so much worse and could have become a scenario that I would have had to carry for the rest of my life. As it is, I still feel the guilt.

Another example occurred when I was nursing. A young doctor inserted a drip and I watched with horror as he let a big air bubble travel through the line. I should have spoken up, stopped it, but I felt, as a junior nurse, that I didn’t have the authority to override the doctor. I hardly slept that night and expected the patient to be dead in the morning when I returned. I beat myself up, why didn’t I intervene? Why didn’t I just rip that line out of the doctor’s hand and rectify the problem? The patient was fine the next day but I certainly learnt my lesson from that one and afterwards, would speak up regardless of who was above me if I thought someone was doing the wrong thing.

But in both of these scenarios, the outcome was positive. What if it hadn’t been positive, if the people had died in these cases? I feel incredibly lucky that these two turned out the way they did.

My biggest episode of wanting the clock turned back was, of course, with Daniel. I knew right from the moment I had the phone call that my life would never be the same again.

But the reality is we can’t turn back that clock. We have to live through whatever life throws at us. The gift of loss such as Daniel’s I know will be in the space where all the grief sits. That space will one day be filled with a compassion and depth that would never have been there without that loss. I know there has already been some transmutation and l look forward to the day when that entire space is filled with love. I also know the capacity to hold this love will be far bigger than it would have ever been without all the grief.

And although I would never want to experience anything that horrific again, I realise that that episode has once again shaped me into the person I am today.