Knowing

I have always had a sense of knowing. This is not something special to me, we all have it. However, I do believe that some people have honed this sense more than others. For me now, it is like my inner compass that I experience through feelings, always ahead of time. Like before I go somewhere, I know whether I will enjoy it or not. Sometimes the mere thought of doing somethings feels like a ton weight has descended upon me. There might be no logical reason to feel this way, but I have learnt to trust these feelings that arise in me. I find myself saying ‘’no, I would rather not go,’’ more frequently than in the past. An example of this was last weekend when Stephen took Genevieve to Auckland. I had already decided that I would not go before Genevieve asked if I could stay back and look after Willow. The mere thought of entering that city brought on an overwhelming sense of tiredness and that feeling stayed with me whenever I thought about going, confirming my decision to stay home.

I also feel this tiredness before entering some people’s homes or even thinking about visiting, whereas with others, I am fine about it. Today I am bringing one of Gail’s friends to check on Blackie, to make sure she is enjoying her new home. I was there a fortnight ago and the thought of this visit brings me joy. I sat in Chiara’s garden the last time I was there. The feel was incredible, aided by singing birds, divine smells, beautiful flowers and that wonderful feeling of peace. So, it does make sense that my thoughts of this visit are positive ones.

But I also experience these varying emotions at places I haven’t been to before or people I haven’t met or for reasons I don’t understand. Once I was driving to town, a 70-minute trip in those days. I got to an intersection and for some reason chose a different way to go to town. I couldn’t understand it as this route was considerably longer, perhaps adding a further 30 minutes to my journey and one I had only done once before. But I knew I didn’t want to go my usual route that morning. It turns out a digger driver fell from his crane and died at the quarry about the time I would have been passing, had I gone my normal way.

I also get this same sense when driving past a cordoned off area on the roads. I know if a person has died, I can feel it. I used to get this same feeling when I was a nurse. Some people seemed to leave the earth plane quickly while I could feel others lingering around. That feeling used to make me scared.

But I have another fear too, one I have not yet mastered. I know I need to do more work on myself to overcome this one. There are a few people over the years, who have invoked fear in me, so much so, that sometimes I will avoid going to a particular place, because I am sensing they will be there. At times I have been told they will be at a particular venue, but I as I haven’t felt the fear, I have gone anyway and it has turned out they weren’t there after all. My sixth sense has always been accurate.

Why do these people cause me fear? This is where I need to do my work. I am not going to be burnt at the stake in this lifetime, or thrown into the water to drown. The worst-case scenario is that nothing much will happen, but the fear is huge. I am sure these people are from my past. I have already done a lot of work around them, but the fact the fear remains, indicates more work is needed. I realise these fears are limiting my happiness, especially when it prevents me going somewhere because a particular person will be there. Part of my soul purpose I know is to be free, and this is an aspect preventing freedom. Sometimes it would be nice not to have this knowing. How does that saying go? Face your fears and do it anyway. My motto is more like, do your work on the fears and they will disappear. I obviously have more work to do.