The tower

I’d asked a couple of times how the book launch would go and both times had received the tower card. My understanding of this card is that everything comes crashing down around one. In my pack, it has a slightly better version, in that healing is already in the process of being restored. I have actually liked the tower card in the past because endings are always followed by new beginnings and I like these, especially if they are followed by the ending of something that was not so good. However, for a book launch, that made me wonder just what exactly might go down. I decided to pull another card a couple of days ago and upon receiving the tower card once again, knew this was far too much of a coincidence.

I haven’t had many book sales in the last couple of weeks, even though I have put my post in places where I think people might be interested and it got me wondering. Is it me blocking the sales? Am I somehow sabotaging my own success? I could understand that with the first book as I had so many fears, but not this time around, as I have removed these. But still, that thought lingered.

So last night, I hunted through U Tube for a meditation to remove blocks. One jumped out at me, a short one of 10 minutes duration. I plugged in my earphones but unfortunately the music was too loud and I struggled to hear the softly spoken words. As the music rose and fell, I caught bits of it, enough to make me continue. I was about half way through when Stephen came to bed, interrupting me. ‘’Never mind,’’ I thought, I couldn’t hear it anyway.

I found myself still awake about 10 minutes later, while Stephen’s heavy breathing suggested he had fallen straight to sleep. Something I had heard in the meditation made me return to it. This time, I caught the words more clearly. I first had to envisage whatever it was that I wanted. In my case it was book sales and I wanted to remove any blocks around these. I had to clearly see that happening. The next message was to think of every single negative thing that had been said to me, relating to this. The penny dropped right then as numerous cases sprung to mind of times people had been negative about my writing. Having once been a journalist, I probably had way more examples than the normal person. I was then to imagine a silo tower, with these words spoken to me, now lining the walls of this tower. Its probably not hard to guess the next part. The tower comes crashing down, turning all those bricks and messages to rubble. I felt massive shifts as this was taking place. And I saw the connection clearly to the book launch – the walls of the tower crashing down – people would now be able to buy my book. That was certainly a nicer meaning than the one I had envisaged.

After this, the meditation continued, but I was unable to hear the last part but I will try again, in case it is significant, though I don’t think it will be.

Before this, it hadn’t occurred to me that I was still harbouring wounds from these spoken words but it is pretty obvious when one thinks about it. I did the meditation a further time, this time lining the silo wall with beliefs I had gained from people’s actions and I will probably do it again and see what else comes up.

This morning I decided to try another meditation and once again the words were difficult to hear even though it was a man speaking and generally, I hear these more easily, but it was again, the loud music draining out the words for me. I know this is significant too and at some stage I will look at it. Why am I choosing things I can’t hear? Why am I still self-sabotaging? The gist of this meditation, that I was able to hear, was that I had to let go of expectations around sales. I know this, but as I have explained once before, letting go for me is not that simple, I need to do the work around a particular situation. So, I know that will be my next mission, for once I have done this, it won’t matter. Logically I know this anyway, but I need to release the feeling inside me that says it does.

It may sound like I am constantly meditating but this is not the case. I can go weeks sometimes without ever going in, but then I might do a flurry as a particular issue arises, as in this case, with the sales of my book. It reminds me of when I started my massage business. I worried constantly whether I’d survive financially, but after reaching 12 months I suddenly realised I could do this. After that thought, my blocks around money diminished and my clientele flourished. I know this will be the same with my expectations around sales. Once I don’t care, people will be free to buy my book. The sooner I do my work, the better.