Sleepless nights
For some reason, I have been waking in the middle of the night and taking a few hours to fall back to sleep. All this does is leave me tired for the entire following day. Often, I will put meditations on, but lately I have been ignoring those, choosing instead to try to get back to sleep. It was 2.30 when I woke for the toilet last night and when Stephen woke, I rechecked the clock, thinking it may be 3 or 3.15, instead it was 3.45. That hour had flown by. It would have been a good hour or two later when Stephen again went to the toilet, me still lying awake. I didn’t check the time as I was very nearly asleep but I know it was sometime after he returned to bed before I finally drifted off. And it was probably 7.45 when I awoke, very tired.
We have the Mind, Body, Spirit event in Pukekohe this weekend and I think that is partly the reason I am waking. Sometimes I’ll recite my speech while I am lying there, but that only wakens me more. I think, deep down I am anxious about it. I don’t know why but it means a long drive and weekend away and I think that is the part that is stressing me – finding clothes that fit, will we get everything in the car? Will I be too tired when I get there? Will I get enough sleep? It sounds silly but anything out of the daily routine, I find does stress me these days. I am afraid of being tired. After been sick with the pericarditis for so long, when I couldn’t do anything, I always worry that I’ll sink back to that level of tiredness. I find I constantly have to pace myself and not try and do too much if I have something coming up, or conversely, recuperate if I have done more than usual. It seems a constant yo-yo.
I think, if I dropped the extra kilos I have put on, and got myself fit, some of that tiredness would leave me. Afterall, the body has to work twice as hard, as it is carrying almost twice as much weight as is desirable. I haven’t reached this point in the year with the weight I would have wanted but I guess I just have to accept my predicament and concentrate going forwards.
I do know I will enjoy this weekend’s event, and I am looking forward to it. And I do know a decent sleep will help settle me. Let’s hope that tonight is the night where that happens. It does remind me of a time in my life though. Paul, my ex-husband and I had just bought a farm and he had gone off shearing for a few weeks, leaving me in charge of the stock. I was pregnant and stressed, not helped by the fact that I had been unable to sleep. Because this was our first farm and we were new to the activities, and the stock we had brought, and we didn’t yet know anyone in the area, I worried about how I would manage. I also didn’t know that technique that I talked about in a previous blog about turning my energies back anticlockwise in situations such as these. As I wound myself more into a knot, I decided to take two Panadol as I went to bed. Hey presto, that was all I needed. I slept well and the next morning all my stress had gone and I continued to sleep well after that.
I did actually wonder about undoing my energies last night, but when I ‘looked’, I saw that was not the issue. This was something else going on. Perhaps two Panadol would be in order tonight!