Presence

I had a comment on my present blog from someone who stated that her best Christmas presents were the presence of her family. I couldn’t agree more but sadly for me, some Christmases have been spent alone. After I left Paul in 1999, we alternated Christmases, his turn my turn etc. Sometimes I was lucky enough to see the kids in the morning when we lived close enough but at other times it might have been several days since I had seen them. I remember one Christmas that felt particularly lonely. I was in Whangarei and didn’t have anyone to spend the day with, so I took myself out to the Heads and undertook a long beach walk, thankful to be in solitude and not around other celebrating families. At other times during my non-kids years, I would drive to see my mother and take her out to lunch at one of the nearby restaurants.

That was one of the biggest down sides of divorce, not seeing the children as often as I would have liked and especially at times such as Christmas. Generally, I looked after them during term time, while they went to their father’s house for the holidays. As Paul was a farmer, this worked well as they could accompany him with his outdoor activities. I would have had to have found childcare if they couldn’t have gone to his place. I did get a break during these times which was nice, but the long summers were a long time not to have seen the kids.

As they got older, the kids moved around and often were overseas during Christmases. Then there were partners and it became partner’s turn, our turn, but that could also mean it was our turn, but Paul’s turn and I still didn’t have them at Christmas. The last few years we have managed to combine, meaning neither Paul nor I miss out. We tolerate each other for the day, for the sake of being together with what family is around. And some of the younger ones have hosted Christmas too, putting us on more neutral territory. I guess I am fortunate having five children, meaning there is always a visit from at least one of them sometime around Christmas.

When Paul and I were married we would often invite people who we knew didn’t have family nearby, to join us. Christmases were a lot of fun with our young children. Those were the pre-divorce days. But after I left Paul, everything changed. Christmas Day really accentuated the feeling of loneliness if I didn’t have the kids. Christmas Eve and Boxing Day were always fine, but not Christmas Day.

 It is lovely seeing Rosie and Levi with their little family, knowing the happy times they are going to have. I feel so fortunate having Stephen in my life now too as not having the kids around at Christmas doesn’t seem nearly as bad.

Hopefully I won’t ever again have to experience a lonely Christmas again.