Perception

I had another session yesterday evening with the body beliefs woman. Furthering this work, I have gained clarity on the areas I was unsure about. Our beliefs are a matter of perception and her work involves examining these perceptions in depth.

One of the questions asked is what are the feelings that occur when one has a particular thought or belief about themselves. The feelings are generally negative, and in my case, I felt like I had a heavy coat over my shoulders when I was examining the belief I chose to work on. I also immediately knew this belief to be untrue as that was the first question asked. It is surprising what we tell ourselves in our head, which, when examined is not actually how the situation is.

We were asked to examine this belief both in the future and in the past. I got little from the past at the time, but last night I had a major breakthrough…sometime in the middle of the night, about 2am I think. The reason I am not naming the belief yet, is because that doesn’t matter. What matters is the experience where that belief was first formed, because I know in my case it has shaped many seemingly different beliefs I have about both myself and life in general.

With many of my issues I have worked on over the years, I have had a memory that has sat just out of reach. I know it has been the core of many of my beliefs but it has always remained elusive – even the feeling. What is that feeling? I have asked myself many times. I’ll get a glimpse, a snippet, then it slips out of my consciousness.  All I have known is that it is massive, and has carried a huge charge.

When I was a child, my mother couldn’t cope with me. I was born just 15 months after my brother, who was himself born two months prematurely. Feeding him and taking care of him took a lot of work. My mother already had another son five years older than me and had lost the second one at a few months old, to hydrocephalus. I can only guess, that having another pregnancy was not what she wanted. I would also guess she suffered post-natal depression. When I was about 40, randomly, she said to me one day, ‘’you were a horrible child.’’ When I asked her to explain this statement, she refused, but it left me in no doubt that she hadn’t thought very highly of me. We had had a terrible relationship. I had felt misunderstood and unloved.

Last night, the memory surfaced enough for me to grasp it. It created an utter feeling of frustration and helplessness. I was wanting something so badly and she was refusing to give it to me. I had memories of when I was older, of her refusing to talk to me or listen to me or hug me, or read to me, while at the same time giving all this to my brother. This memory was even earlier, I doubt I would have been even two. I think she was refusing to talk or to listen to me. Here I was, at this tender age, not getting one of my basic needs met.

That feeling of wanting something so badly was the one that has sat just out of reach all these years. Fortunately, I was able to do some inner child work last night, where I became the mother of this unloved child. I was able to give her the words of comfort she needed, the words of acknowledgement and just be there for her. I also gave her an opportunity to voice her anguish, as one would if carrying out the Journey healing technique.

I can share my belief I worked on last night now, and that was that nobody reads my blogs. Not true, as I have several devoted readers. But I can clearly see how that perception carried a charge from all those years ago, when my own mother showed no interest or acknowledgement of anything I did or even of me. And in those days my world consisted of only a handful of people. So, with my writing, I was still carrying that childhood pain. I have always known that I have been the one blocking people. I feel I have finally shifted that block and the block to many other parts of my life. When one clears like this, then it actually doesn’t matter who reads it. I am no longer trying to validate an unmet childhood need.

Yay.