Missing blog

I was wondering why the ‘Thoughts’ blog had not shown up on my phone. When I checked, I found I had not published it. I wrote this one on Saturday and had published yesterday’s without realising this one was still sitting in draft mode. Interesting, because the gist of the blog was about being in the moment and taking oneself out of one’s head. Obviously, even as I was completing the last one, my mind must have been elsewhere, not to have noticed this. I find myself doing this so much in my life. My mind will be drifting all over the show, while the body is going through the motions of whatever. When I was nursing and commuting back to my home during weekends off, I would find I had driven the whole three hours unaware of a single thing I had driven past. If I could remember the space I had been in at the time, I found it would often depict upcoming events. Driving for me was a good time for this. Once, I saw my son, Daniel, running his cross-country race and being extremely proud of himself. He won it. It was only later that he informed me the race had taken place in the afternoon, while I had seen my image in the morning, while driving to town. Conversely it was pictures that I didn’t see that should have alerted me that things coming up possibly weren’t going to happen. Daniel and his fiancée Genevieve, were due to get married in France. I do talk about this episode in The Collective Us and perhaps I also mentioned it in one of my recent blogs. Each time I thought about the upcoming event, all I would see was a grey emptiness. I couldn’t get excited about the event, because I couldn’t get my usual pictures in my mind. When Daniel passed away, I understood why this had been the case. And the incident also showed me how I have done this my whole life and been completely unaware I have been doing so. Sometimes, it is like my mind divides in two. One part is coping with the physical aspects of whatever is going on, while the other part is elsewhere, just as was happening when I wrote the ‘Thoughts’ blog. In that case, I had been stressing about the upcoming book launch, my speech and other things and missing all the beautifulness that was around me.

I guess with a habit such as mine, it will take some work to consciously stay right where I am without my mind wandering, but then, does it even matter? It is nice to see pictures of things about to happen. I just need to stop the stressing when it is this that is occupying my mind.