In conjunction
Today’s blog really needs to be read in conjunction with both yesterday’s and the self-talk one, but I will try to make it stand alone as much as possible.
I wrote yesterday about the lack of flow in my life. No sooner had I switched off the computer, than a Facebook post I had pending for four days, was suddenly activated, and the car quote, which I had been told would take two days, arrived in my email in-box, both within a couple of minutes of each other. It was like the mere realisation of a block had countered any such thing.
I was expecting the car quote to be big and it was, sitting at just under a thousand dollars. Ouch.
I did go in later but I was still unable to shift the heaviness I was feeling, one that started at the end of the first day of the Mind, Body event, held on November 11 and 12. I had already cleansed myself, to no avail. I was thinking I must have picked up something from one of the people who visited me later in the day. I had wanted to change my sheets on my massage table the next morning, but had forgotten I had placed the spare linen under the table, instead thinking Stephen must have taken the bag back to his car. It left me with an uneasy feeling, as the heaviness was palpable throughout the next day. I thought it was coming from the bed.
That heaviness has been with me since, probably noticeable in the tone of my blogs. When the trusty 4am wakefulness rolled around this morning, I decided to address it, using the meditation I have come to find useful - removing trapped trauma from the body. It was soon clear where this was residing and that was in the back of my throat. I followed the guide, still unsure what the heaviness was about. As the meditation moved on, and I was instructed to begin removing this, I received an image, and that was of an incident that happened when I was perhaps 16 or 17. My father, whom I loved dearly, and with whom I had a beautiful relationship with, commented about my body. I can’t even remember what he said, but it was some reference to me putting on a small amount of weight and the need to look after myself and not let myself go. In the early hours of this morning, I saw the impact of this seemingly innocuous statement. That one single comment, long forgotten, had impacted on me every time I had binged or lost control of my eating. When I am overweight, I always associate that with being unlovable. I feel ugly and I have negative feelings towards myself. So, what is the connection to the Mind, Body event?
I was busy that first day, but had bought a sandwich from the nearby kitchen. Later, when I had a gap in clients, I returned and grabbed a monstrous piece of carrot cake, laden with thick, cream cheese icing, one of my favourite things. I had a few mouthfuls and was quite full. But later, towards the end of that day, I pulled out the rest and stuffed it down, savouring the icing as I did so. I was resting my elbows on the bed as I ate, my back to the people walking past. My eating had been reasonably ok to that point. Obviously, somewhere in the depths of my subconscious, I had instantly become more unlovable. It was that simple. I had had clues that I had more to shift, as is often the case, when I had heard my own daughter’s negative self-talk. And I do know that timing is always perfect. This Body Beliefs workshop I am attending next weekend should be extremely helpful, especially with the clearings I have just had. I am looking forward to it and possibly, finally, a solution to the negativity I hold around my eating and being overweight. I have always known deep down that one needs to love themselves in order to lose weight, not love themselves when one has lost weight. The latter always results in lost weight returning, but the former, I am hoping, will be a permanent fix.