Chugging along
Stephen and I have been chugging along quite nicely as far as our finances go. I was just commenting to him recently that it is good that we are both good with our money. We live frugally, eat veges from the garden, and only do a big supermarket shop once every few weeks. These lesser trips to town mean we don’t spend too much on other things, most often that we don’t need. We are fortunate that we haven’t had any big one-off expenses lately, such as a washing machine breaking down, or costly dental jobs, all things which would require more than the pension provides. However, I am well aware that these can pop up at any time and I hope that I am not tempting fate by writing about them in this way.
I feel comfortable with my financial position. There is not a lot there, but definitely more than I have had at times in the past. However, there has been a creeping fear arising. If we allow fear to enter our psyche, especially as far as money is concerned, then that creates a block and prevents the flow, bringing about the very thing we are fearing.
This fear started after the quote for Ty’s Roller Coaster was changed, adding an extra thousand dollars to the printing costs. In my head, I had allowed a certain amount and the first quote came back within this range. However, due to the mix-up of the shape of the book, it turns out printing will be way more costly than it would have been if it was shaped a different way. There were solutions – my niece offered to realign the pages but that would have taken another few months, or we could have tried for quotes elsewhere. I chose to stay with this company as they were so good the last time I used them, and I didn’t want to put any more work on my already busy niece who created the illustrations.
I did have the money in the bank, so what was the problem? Why was this niggling fear creeping in that I was spending too much money? I felt it again last night. Stephen and I went to the movies in Kerikeri, leaving early and killing a few hours before it started. We visited a few op shops, bought a birthday present for a friend and I had a ten-minute chair massage. I had felt like Subway for lunch and Stephen obliged, even though I knew he would have preferred a café. On the way home, he suggested Thai for dinner, I counter suggested with stopping in at the market or eating at home, but because lunch had been my choice, I knew that it was only fair, that dinner be his.
And so, we had an enjoyable meal. But inside, that niggling voice was chiding me for spending too much money when we didn’t need to. We could have eaten for $20 instead of $70 or nothing if we’d come home. I knew there was definitely work for me to do on that one.
Awakening at five this morning (much better than the three or four am) I decided to address this niggle, using the meditation to remove trapped trauma in the body. I have, in the past, done plenty of work around money and my beliefs, but not removal from the physical body or through the genetic line.
It didn’t take long to realise this fear was more than just in my heart, my whole lower body seemed to be carrying ‘stuff’. I also realised there was more to remove through my mother’s lineage, through the Irish side, and I felt it pulling towards me, through the ancestors, for release, a bit like octopus tentacles. It seemed to end within my mother and that was the hardest thing, pulling it from her to me for its final release. My mother’s words echoed through me as I was doing this ‘’we haven’t got much money’’, something I heard frequently as I was growing up. My father’s side had been reasonably wealthy, but I saw, after my grandmother was widowed twice, with first three, then four children, that she had also experienced financial stress at times. With her, the fears went directly for release, rather than moving through me. During this meditation, I also saw the serf past life my mother and I had shared, where I had never been able to satisfy her with the medicines or care she needed. I have worked on this life before, but the fact the image appeared in this meditation indicated there was still some letting-go there.
My niggle has now gone, thankfully. I do not want to block any potential book sales. After all, the money spent there will hopefully generate income. And why shouldn’t we enjoy a nice meal out occasionally? Sometimes, our fears aren’t and have never been, ours.